It’s OK, I’m not OK – memories are sneaking out of my eyes

And yes It’s OK, not to be OK, when you are celebrating a life well lived and for memories to sneak out of your eyes and rolling down your cheeks.Nothing prepares you for loss the loss of someone you love, you are never prepared of how it feels until it happens.No matter how long one has been sick for, or you have lost someone very close to you before, when death strikes you will experience a thousand of emotions at once. When death strikes it’s like a slap on the face and you were not prepared. Part of you will remember God’s word there is a “time for everything”, another part of you is numb, no feeling no nothing, just zombie mode, another part has a lot of questions – well this is my view.

Today 24 September marks one year since I lost my sister.  No it’s not true, time is not a healer, we only learn to live with the pain and get used to the fact that someone is not here with us. I thought by now I would be used to the fact that she is gone, no I can’t. A year later I still go through our chats, and I smile, I cry, I feels her presence, I see her smile, I hear the sound of her voice only from chats. A lot of times I see people who look like her on the street and on TV – yup I’m seeing things.

I cannot believe how much I loved her and I believe I never showed it or said it enough. I still cry quite a lot when I think about her and know she is gone. A lot of times I blame myself, I should have put more effort on our communication and I should have nagged her to chat when she didn’t want to, I should have told her more that I appreciated her than gossip and discuss soapies. I should have gone home when she said I should come, I should have taken that bus the Saturday I said I was going to go home. Oh shoulda, coulda, woulda, it’s water under the bridge now.

On the above mentioned Saturday I packed my bags to go home but I just brushed it off and said I would wait for payday. For some reason that week my mind was not settled at all. On Thursday (22 September) after work without even booking myself off at work I took the bus to Harare. It was one of the longest trips of my life. I kept checking on her every chance I got. I got at Roadport (bus station in Harare) at 1 pm on the dot – in time for visiting hour. A friend offered to pick me up and take me to the hospital. I got to the hospital, on seeing her I was happy and sad all in the same minute. My eyes were very watery, If i cried that minute I’m not sure if they would have been tears of joy or tears of a broken heart. Í was happy to see her and see her smiling back at me. My heart tore to see the pain she was going through and the needles on her body. REW 6 -8 hours back I remember being updated on my “live” updates that she was talking and she was getting better, asking for food, asking for her phone because she was missing her Whatsapp groups. These updates gave me hope and a whole lot to look forward to. I get there suddenly she is not talking, suddenly she is not eating, she is just lying there.

My heart broke but I did not show it, when I spoke to her she would squeeze my hand, the squeeze had life it was kinda strong. That squeeze gave me hope, I made plans, I had a bit of peace in my heart knowing she could hear me. In a flash visiting hour was over, we all went outside to wait for the next visit. 5pm we went in again, nothing had changed. I tried my luck again but the squeeze was weaker, almost like just a finger movement. We prayed and prayed, in a flash visiting hour was over again *screams*. We went home after the visit, for some reason I slept peacefully, through-out the night. Very early the next morning I received a call, a call that changed everything, a called that shuttered my life and everyone’s. Anna was gone!!

Part of me left with Anna. Part of me died too. It still feels like a dream. Not only was she my sister but she was the mother of my kids. All her conversations would begin with her asking about my kids before we talked about anything. She was a hard worker, one who never tires. I myself I am not very domesticated (don’t judge me) but I remember from a very young age I relied on her so much when it comes to cleaning the house and doing the dishes and she would never complain. She was down to earth, humble and love Telemundo grrrrr.  My young sister was a very good dancer, I remember how we used to get freebies at roadshows because of her dancing. I remember our fights growing up as kids and the sisterhood between us. Oh I still can’t dance maClurks you taught me….

How is it possible that someone who gave you a lot of memories, one you shared with a lot of memories becomes a memory how, why, when, what? I look back at the 27 years will shared together as siblings is history. As much as I hurt I have learnt not to question God because he writes our stories differently. When you have accomplished your purpose on earth, you have fought a good fight and run your race, you will get to the finish line.  Instead we should learn lesson from the life of our loved one. We do not question him when kids are born, why should we when someone dies. The best thing we can do as humans is to celebrate the life. I try as much as possible to celebrate this young life but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

As my sibling she was part of my life and she will always be but dealing with her death has been one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with. To keep her memory alive I got a lifeline tattoo. If she had said something I would have inked the words but because she never uttered a word to me, I saw the lifeline so befitting. It represents the squeeze and the straight line is her death the life at the end represents that life goes on. I thought the tattoo was going to give me comfort, yeah it does but to a certain extent but the hole in my heart, damn! Grief has no formula, one day you are OK, the next you are wreck.

 I miss you Anna, I miss you so much, your daughter misses you more than anyone else, mum is broken, dad tries to keep all of us together, Lizzy misses her friend, Ruth misses you too. We miss you, Sleep easy…

To you who is reading it  sounds cliche but believe me – Life is short, Live your life well, Live your life to the fullest.

PS. Thank you for waiting for me, you hanged on for me even though you did not say a word to me…..

 xoxo

Washe

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5 Comments

  1. What a touching story. I wish I can give you comforting words but I know it will not be enough. Keep on talking and grieving. Keep on laughing and crying. Sometimes you just need to miss her and cry. Celebrate her life, like you did now. Im inspired.

  2. So touching. I am heartbroken for you. May the good Lord be your healer and your comforter!

    • Hi Lillian,

      Thank you so much. The Lord is our comforter, fortress, healer. He makes everything beautiful in its time.

      Nothing slips the Lord, he knows his plans with our lives.

      Thank you for reading

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your sisters passing at the sad age of only 27.So so sad and your husbands passing.Do you mind sharing how both of them died,non of your blogs mentions it.

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