God, how did I get here? : My story as a young widow

God how did I get here? Why are we here? Are these the plan you have for me?But God I am jobless, pregnant, I have a 3 year old. Why God? Why me? Why now? Why him? These are all the questions I kept asking God as I cried the loudest cry I have ever heard world over. I could not believe my young hubby was gone – I was a young widow at 29.

When you loose someone very close to you, or let me say when I lost my husband I lost my mind (for a while maybe 24 hours, I was a zombie). I could only recognise a few people and when people talk to me, I could not hear what they were saying but I could see the eye contact and lips moving.  I kept looking at the door looking forward that he would come back home. But days passed, months, he did not he was dead, he was gone. I was a widow, waaat, saaay what, YES a widow, actually a young widow to be precise.

Just to take you back a bit to the life I was living(nothing fancy). I was living the dream (of any girl), nice apartment, quiet suburb,  A to B car, handsome kid, and a young, ambitious, successful and handsome hubby to match (my beauty). I was a young SAHM , businesswoman the Pro31 kinda woman. We had a comfortable, lovely and happy life. My husband was very hands-on with the baby than I was, when I started school I would be gone the whole day and he would be OK and would never complain. Don’t get me wrong our life was not perfect I am not trying to paint a colourful picture here, we had our water and oil moments, but why dwell on the dull moments when you have good memories. When you loose someone you hardly think about the downside, no matter how much you try and make up the picture of “that fight”it will never be clear, but when you think about all the good times it always appear in HD in your mind. My husband was my provider, my protector, my helper, my teacher, my friend, my mobile ATM, my partner. God how did i get here? I am widow, a young widow.

FFWD to July 2014 after being married for 3 years 7 months, say what, 3 years I was widow? No! No it can’t be me. I am beautiful, I am a christian, I am educated, I am living my dream, we are living a life that we spent so many dinner dates and pillow-talks planning. In a flash, yes (I say a flash because that is how it felt and still feels) it was gone, he was gone, all crumbled. Like really God how was I supposed to live, like seriously? Friday 11th July my work contract expired(no renewal), that means I was jobless, to top it up I was 6 months pregnant with my second baby, Saturday he is gone(forever). See what I mean, how did I get here? How am I supposed to live? What was I supposed to tell my son (they were very close). For a long time even many months after his death I would engage in conversations, talk about myself, (or my story) like I was talking about someone. I was in disbelief. It was very unreal to me. It cannot be me, God how did I get here, I did not sign up for this. For a long time I was surviving – there is difference between surviving and living, I had no reason to live, my helper took care of the kids, I ate when only I had a “gun”on my head. I could not make sense of his death I could not make sense of life nothing made sense at all. 

My husband passed away in July, my son was born in October, we was born with severe eczema that he would swell and get red. At 6 weeks he got an injection he got better, a few weeks later I went back for his check-up, paed told me, my son is not thriving (I was trying my best to feed the lil champ). I was put on anti-depressants, yes had DEPRESSION :-(, I took the tablets for a few days flashed them down the drain. I chose professional counselling instead of tablets. Counselling helped me to a certain extent, I had church counselling, and professional counselling to help me deal with loss, depression, single parenting, joblessness. (this paragraph is a blog for another day)

For a very long time I have not disclosed or just put it out there that I am a widow for a number of reasons like:

  1. Pity Parties – the moment you say you are a widow or you want to keep a memory alive (on social media), bible verses, virtual hugs, donations etc come flocking. I do not blame people they want to reach out, it’s human nature but damn it drags you down you start feeling sorry for yourself again.
  2. Vulnerability, loosing my husband – I lost my physical protector 
    (we live in cruel world)
  3. People look at you in a different way, to some women you are a threat, to some men you are prey
  4. Telling the story everyday – How did happen, how do you survive, are you dating, bla bla bla
  5. The moment you say “I am a widow you get – “you don’t look like a widow”, like seriously how is a widow supposed to look, it’s highly offensive
  6. I just used to hate the widow tag but it is what is it. 

I have decided to “come out” because I am now confident (to an extent), I am at another stage of grief, maybe acceptance but these stages are always back and forth back and forth. I am embracing who I am, this is me it will not change. I want to reach out to “new”widows, and all those who are grieving, I have walked down the road I know how it feels. Not that I have experience but one on one I can be able to tell intimate details of my journey(which I left out). Grief is not an easy road, I got help on my journey why not help someone. TIME IS NOT A HEALER!!! You learn to live with your pain, smile in that pain, cry again. I truly miss that monkey you know, but God is God we don’t question. When you loose someone you love life goes on –  it does not mean you have to forget about them but move forward (for me it was seeking counselling), you dont stay in one place(mourning) suicidal thoughts and other foolish thoughts will haunt you. 

After asking God all those questions because I was angry with him, and after my counselling sessions and speaking to other people who had walked down that road I learnt a few lessons.

  1. Ecclesiastes 3 vs 1 – 8

There is a time for everything, there is a time to be born and a time to die

2. 2 Timothy 4:7

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, – we are here on earth to run different races, when you have finished your race you will leave this place called earth. My Esau was a great strategic planner, had great financial discipline, a harder worker. I believe in the 3 years were married he was sent to teach me all that. I am sure in other people’s lives he had other missions.

3. Psalms 46:10

Be still and know that I am God –  If he brought you to it he will bring you through it. He knew I was jobless and pregnant but he took my husband, my breadwinner. Through this I always say I have seen God’s love in HD. I have seen his love for me and my kids, he has provided for us even when even I was not working. At one point we used to eat porridge all day because that’s all we had. We are grateful for that porridge because it required sugar, water and mealie-meal, during that same phase our fridge just had water only, but look at us we remained still in him. We do not have everything but have him and we are happy. Friends and family came through because we remained still, we stopped asking the questions because he is an omni-God .

4. Matthew 6 vs 25

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear – this bible verse relates to number 3.

5. Jeremiah 29 vs 11

The Lord would never harm me.

On a lighter note I never got to use the word bae *screams* or even #baegoals by then it was not popular. I used to be a cry baby*never cried in-front of my kids though*, so to stop myself from crying I started wearing make-up. Tjo makeup is expensive I can’t afford to waste my mascara.

Thank you for taking time to read hints of my journey, it’s not an easy one but the Lord holds our hand daily and we are cruising in his grace. Share with someone who might think they are alone in this journey. Feel free to contact me if you need to chat privately dianawashe@gmail.com

Peace, Love and Kindness

xoxo

Washe (P.S This is a name I gave myself, when i was overwhelmed with his love) -so my full name is pronounced Dianawashe – meaning I belong to God (direct translation)

 

Ok now Im going for real *insert running man emoji here*

 

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67 Comments

  1. Touching D

    • You experienced a different tragedy from mine yet You have told my story and felt my feelings.
      It’s comforting to know I am not alone in this struggle and that you have walked it with me in a different dimension…blessings to you!

      • Hi Silolo

        I think bottom line is unexpected loss or just loss. It brings us to a state where we just loose hope and question but God’s case has no appeal. Whatever happens in life first thing is to seek wisdom from the higher power then you will understand how the Lord works and you will find comfort in him.

        You will never walk alone. Reach out lets talk, talk to someone

        God bless

  2. Da Maziofa

    Well done Washe for sharing your story, sometimes we wallow in self pity and forget to count our blessings. Indeed God is our refuge and strength, even in the darkest days …or the stormiest nights.

  3. Thelma Chagaresango

    Wow so touching..

  4. You are a strong woman. God bless you every day.

  5. touchin diana

  6. U r a strong woman diana

  7. Oh my dear wat a story, stay strong and prayerful, it touched me was in tears, I could picture some stuff in my head, Ayi beautiful one. Power to u dear.

  8. Diana Mwarazi

    Dee , i dont know if it is a coincidence or God incidence that we share the same name and am grateful for how God has allowed me to know you before you were widowed .I see how your story is unfolding and how beautiful you are making it with your kids.Having been orphaned at 14 i was also raised by a widow, it was not easy on my mum.we had our seasons of abundance and those were we lived on bare essentials, but just like you are doing with your sons she made our life beautiful, she bravely took on both roles of being both a mom and dad.And yes God never left us , he showed us that he is indeed the widows champion and father to the fatherless. You like my mom are one of my heroines. You are indeed Diana Washe ,got God got u babe!

  9. Audrey Kurumba

    You are a strong woman Dee. The toughest of them all I must say. Stay blessed Washer.

  10. Audrey Kurumba

    You are a strong woman Dee. The toughest of them all I must say. Stay blessed Washe.

  11. You inspire me so much Diana and I adore you..May you continue to be strong. You are amazing.

    xoxo

  12. This truly an amazing journey!!! The best is yet to come

  13. I know very well what you went through.Im a young widow too and raising 4 sons.My husband died last year,but God is always bailing me out somehow.He is the father to the fatherless and husband to the widows.lt pains but lve stopped asking God why?

    • Awww Amanda, sending you virtual hugs. He is our provider, he will never forsake us. The moment you stop asking you have acquired wisdom that is required in this journey. Stay strong for your boys. stay in faith, remain steadfast.

      May you find comfort in the Lord my dear

  14. Wadzanai

    You are one of the strongest women I know, thanks for sharing Diana! May God continue to bless you and the boys

  15. Valentine

    You are an epitome of grace❤

  16. Wow. Touching. God knew He could take you through this journey

  17. Future Sibanda

    Such a strong woman you’re. Keep on keeping the FAITH-IT is the light and hope of life.

  18. Charmaine Magede

    Wow very touching you are a very strong lady and you have become a role model, it’s not easy raising kids on your own I applaud you for that.

  19. Thank you for sharing Washe. I see God working in HD for sure

    • He is and he continues to show off through our lives daily.

      Ende takabva takomborerwa nemweya we free spirit 🙂

      Thank you dear for taking time to read

  20. MeloRue

    Love you to bits ..U are just awesome!God bleas you always 😙💖

  21. Melorue

    You an amazing Woman Dee. May God bless you sha ..Ummm💖

  22. Danai Motsi

    its true time does not heal u learn to live with the pain. I also lost my husband 29 July 2017 and im only 27. its unfortunate we may not have all the answers but God remains God, thanks for sharing your story

    • Hi Danai,

      I am really sorry, may you find comfort in the Lord. I have walked down that road and I am still on that road. Grief is a very complicated matter, one day you accept the situation the next you are in denial. Keep his memory alive in your thought and with family and friends. Cry when you want to don’t bottle up, it’s ok to cry but just know you cannot cry forever at time we need to push ourselves to move forward. Stay motivated, keep good company, keep busy, sleep when you want to.

      If ever you need to chat I am free my email is dianawashe@gmail.com i can send you my whatsapp,

      Sending you virtual hugs my love.

  23. Washe,

    This is one of the most heartfelt posts I’ve ever read! I can even hear you say the words. I value how you value life and our interactions have had such a positive effect on me. Life indeed is short and CARPE DIEM I think this helps me understand you better. You’re not given trials God feels you can’t overcome- He will carry you and the boys. Be blessed! Be abundant!

  24. Robert J Mkwanda

    A black strong woman is what I see. More POWER to you.

  25. tate mano

    Jehovah loves you and HE will always be there for us #thatsmysis

  26. When I was widowed, they said it would get better. I learnt that time did not make it better, I just taught me how to live with the pain. True. Time does not heal. It makes the reality truer. How you deal with it makes the difference. Xoxo

    • Hi Wandia,

      Very very true my dear, time changes nothing we just grow stronger each day. Some days are better than the other somedays you just want to know WHY. Strong support network and a positive mind takes us through each phase.

      Love Washe

  27. Diana. Hope your are well dear. May the Lord continue to be your Fortress and strong tower.

  28. Touching u are a strong women Diana god bless you always

    • Hi Kindra,

      Thank you for taking time to read my blog. Strength comes from God. I receive the blessing, may he bless you too.

  29. My heart aches for what you have been through, and it smiles looking at who you’ve become today. You have remained strong and inspired many unknowingly. thank you for reminding us never to take life and our loved ones for granted, you have just ministered through your blog. You are beautiful inside and out and thats why you are an inspiration to many

    • Thank you so much Barbs,

      It can only be his love that takes us from day to day. Thank you for being on the sidelines cheerleading it gives me wings 🙂

  30. I admire your strength. You got through it.

  31. Bruce Grayton Muzawazi

    God is the giver and taker, He always has a reason and plans for each one of us, all we just have to do is look for and see His hand through it all.
    Stay blessed.stay strong hun .
    #MuchLoveSis
    #GoodLookingOutForMyNephews

    • Thank you so much for the love and being the best brother any sister can ever ask for. Tenzi anotichengeta pakati pedu….

  32. The Lord is your strength, the Lord’s name is your High Tower. You are forever safe in Him

  33. DianaWashe…..been there and I can see God’s hand in your life as well.You have “challenged” me,a senior widow!Love your guts and strength.

    • Hi Vimbai,

      Death happens, Life goes on, lets keep the memories alive our kids need us. Lets lead by example. And my sister don’t live in the widow shadow, people will look down upon you and you will do the same. Power to you.

      Gods Widow

  34. Thank you for sharing. My 27 year old niece just lost her husband and she is left with an 8 year and 4 year old. Wish you were in Zimbabwe blot reach out to her. Inbox if there is any way you could

    • Hi Shingi,

      I completely understand how she feels when you think you have your life together at 27 then next thing you know you you are a widow. Gods case has no appeal help her seek wisdom from the higher power God, wisdom you will try and understand what happened and that its a way of life. Encourage her, keep the memory of her hubby alive when she wants to talk dont shut her out, but keep convo short.

      You can reach me on my email dianawashe@gmail.com then we can chat on app

      Blessings to you

  35. You have a powerful ministry for young widows. Can I connect you with someone who is an older widow, she is a woman of God, author and a minister. She also became a widow after many years walking as a marriage counsellor and guide. She will give you opportunities to speak to young widows as she is always invited to women functions. Let me know,

  36. Thank you for this.

  37. Its amazing how God renews our strength everyday. Thanx for sharing your story, you’re strong dear. May God keep on blessing you. Love.

  38. What a beautiful testiment to your resilience and love. I am heartbroken for you and pray for your continued strength and healing. I’m so glad you have this space to share your story.

  39. I’m sorry for what you had to go through, but glad for how you are able to help others for your experience. You picked some really great life verses! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story!

  40. “And I have hope toward God, which hope these men also look forward to, that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” Acts 24:15

    Until that time comes find comfort in

    “Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6,7

  41. Ahh Di this is a touching story.Its true you get used to your pain and live for the sake of the kids on behalf of the departed.

    i was a widow at 22,with a 3 year old daughter,final year in college,with no fees,no parents(both late)

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